When youâre in a relationship, you want to do everything you can for your partner. When youâre in love, youâd move heaven and earth to make your partner smile. But when does this become dangerous, as opposed to romantic?
Unfortunately, there are people out there that seek to use and abuse the trust and devotion of their significant other. They ask for seemingly small things one at a time until they build up into a terrifying crescendo of toxicity and emotional abuse that is very difficult to break free from.
Itâs important that you are aware of the difference between a reasonable request and a controlling, manipulative one. That way, you can catch any harmful ones and nip them in the bud before they grow out of control.
Here Are 10 Things Your Partner Should Never Ask You For
1.   Isolation From Your Family Or Friends
Each person in a relationship should have their own lives outside of the partnership â friends, family, or any other kind of social group that is separate from their partnerâs. They should not be made to feel like they have to cut themselves off and rely on their partner alone. This is extremely unhealthy and leads to codependency.
A partner who tries to cut you off from those you care about is exhibiting a form of emotional abuse. They are forcing you to depend only on them and keeping you to themselves. Itâs jealous, controlling, and toxic. They may say convincing things, such as: (1)
- But I donât get to spend any time with you anymore! (Even when you spend a lot of time with them already.)
- I donât trust that friend of yours. Iâm pretty sure theyâre backstabbing you.
- Your mother is toxic; donât you see that? Iâm just looking out for you!
- Iâm just not comfortable with you having male/female friends.
- None of your friends like you anyway.
Itâs not unusual for a partner to dislike the occasional person in your life. Not everyone is going to get along. They are more than welcome to talk to you about their worries regarding someone in your life; however, they must respect that, at the end of the day, it is your decision who you keep in your life.
2.   Lack Of Pride In Your Own Success
Partners are supposed to support each other and lift each other up. They are supposed to celebrate together and be proud of each other. If your partner is telling you that you shouldnât or donât deserve to be proud, or that you should tone it down a notch, thatâs a big red flag.
Itâs not uncommon for partners to feel envious of one anotherâs success, but the trick is not to let that get to one another. Understand that the envy comes from a place of insecurity and should not be dwelled on. Sadly, some partners will continue to be envious and will use that as fuel to put down their partnerâs success.
If you realize that you tend to feel guilty when you do well, or that you are frightened of sharing the good news with your partner, it may be time to step back and evaluate the relationship. Your partner should not be dragging you down.
3.   Forgiveness For Toxic Behaviors
No partner is perfect. At some point, your partner will slip up and wrong you. But if their immediate reaction when you call them out on the problem is to deflect blame or make excuses, youâre in trouble. A partner like this might say things like:
- I didnât mean to do it! Canât you just forget it, already?
- Come on, itâs not a big deal. Let it go.
- You made me do this!
In these cases, they may be asking you to forgive and overlook actions like:
- Violence
- Unwarranted outbursts
- Cheating
- Invasions of personal privacy
- Violation of boundaries
Should you hold a grudge forever? No, of course not; you have to either move forward in the relationship or decide to break up. Itâs not fair to hold a mistake against someone forever.
But, at the same time, you should not feel forced or guilt-tripped into forgiving and forgetting too quickly â and you definitely shouldnât be asked to overlook toxicity. Instead, work together to overcome the problem with positive thinking. (2)
4.   To Be In The Middle
Youâre not your partnerâs errand-servant. Youâre not there to solve their problems on your own so they can avoid them. If a partner continuously asks you to take on a middleman role, tread carefully. Here are a couple of situations where you might find yourself in the middle.
a)Â Â Â Picking Sides
A partner may get into a disagreement with someone you know and force you to pick a side. While you will likely support your partner because of your loyalty to them, the choice should still be up to you in the end and you shouldnât be pressured into agreeing with them.
b)Â Â Â Passing Messages
Does your partner ask you to help them communicate with their friends or family members? Are you constantly asked to be the one to pass messages to others on their behalf, so they donât have to face the consequences? This simply isnât fair on you.
c)Â Â Â Choosing Them
A toxic partner will say something like: âItâs either me or them!â In essence, they try to force you to choose either something/someone you care for very much or your relationship. This is a form of blackmail and cannot be looked upon in any positive way.
5.   Quitting Or Changing Your Job
Some partners may feel insecure about the fact that you earn more or similar to them. Conversely, if you earn less than them, they may think negatively of you for not earning enough. Either way, these are toxic thoughts to have â and when acted on, they are especially damaging.
In many cases, a significant other may seek to exert financial control over the relationship by asking you to change your occupation to suit their needs. A partner might pressure you to:
- Change your job or career
- Quit your work
- Turn down promotions
- Not capitalizing on your abilities, skills, or talents
- Be less ambitious
Yes, sometimes career changes have to be discussed in long-term relationships. But itâs just as much your decision as your partnerâs.
6.   Full Access To Your Devices
Did you know that 25% of women and 20% of men admit to secretly snooping through their partnersâ devices? Thatâs a serious problem that shows trust issues, but the issue weâre talking about takes that to the next level. (3)
A partner may ask you to provide them with all your device information and even account passwords. They may ask you to give them complete access so they can check your texts, your social media, your emails â everything. They may justify it by saying that if you have nothing to hide, you would be okay with it.
The thing is that everyone has the right to privacy. On your devices are private chats with clients, colleagues, friends, and family members that the other party didnât consent to sharing. Plus, itâs just extremely invasive for your partner to deny you any privacy at all. This is monitoring, controlling behavior that reveals a deep lack of trust, and itâs a huge red flag.
7.   Agreement To Calculative Rules
Equality in relationships is important, but itâs unreasonable to expect a relationship to be a complete 50/50 split. Thatâs just not possible. Both sides need to learn to sacrifice things sometimes.
If your partner is attempting to demand calculative rules, youâre in for a bad time. This gives them the chance to keep score of everything, including:
- How much money youâve each spent
- Exactly how many chores each person has done
- How many hours you each work
Being calculative in a relationship is simply not a positive way to interact. Youâll each need to make sacrifices now and then, and youâll find that it usually all evens out in the end anyway. Focus your energies on functioning well together instead of counting whoâs turn it is to do what.
8.   The Overlooking Of Bad Treatment From Their Family Or Friends
Families-in-law (or families of a partner) can be tough to get along with. Sometimes, friends of your partner may be the problem instead. But thereâs a difference between not liking someone and being repeatedly treated badly by them.
If you talk to your partner about the negative treatment you receive from the people in their lives, your feelings should be treated as valid ones. If your partner tells you to just use positive thinking and asks you to get along and endure negative treatment for their sake, your partner is saying that these other people are more important than you.
Itâs okay for your partner to value their friendships and family relationships â and they should! But they also need to know when certain actions towards you are unacceptable. You should respect your partnerâs other relationships â but they should also respect you enough to know when to put their foot down.
9.   Something Youâre Uncomfortable With In The Bedroom
Consent is important in intimacy. Both partners need to be respectful of each otherâs wants and needs, and communication is important even during  Unfortunately, many people find a way to create gray areas.
If your partner starts pressuring you into doing things youâre uncomfortable within the bedroom, thatâs a major red flag and very dangerous. This is called sexual coercion. They may: (5)
- Repeatedly badger you for a positive response after youâve said no countless times
- Try to convince you to try things you arenât comfortable with
- Normalize their actions
- Offer rewards in exchange for intimacy
- Complain when you decide to withdraw consent
- Make you feel obligated or guilty
- Threaten you if you donât oblige
- Cause you to feel as though you owe intimacy to them
- Call you boring or unfun for not agreeing to new things
10. A Change Of Who You Are
When you start dating someone, you do so because you like who they are. If your partner keeps trying to change you, it indicates their goal from the beginning may have been to mold you into their idea of the perfect partner. Creepy, right? Here are some things they may ask you to change:
- Sense of style
- Religion
- Personality quirks
- Hobbies
- Values or beliefs
- Appearance
These aspects are part of your identity, and you should not be expected to give them up. Discussing flaws and self-improvement is one thing, but turning you into something completely different is unacceptable. You are lovable and worthy just as you are!
Final Thoughts On Some Things Your Partner Should Never Ask You For
If your partner asks you for one of these things, are they definitely evil? Of course not. Sometimes, ignorant requests stemming from personal issues can be the problem, and they often come from positive intentions.
As such, if you think your partner doesnât mean to exhibit harmful behaviors such as these, talk to them about it. Discuss the problem and understand where it comes from. Work as a couple to solve the root of the issue. Additionally, donât be afraid to seek professional help, if needed.
Remember, you deserve happiness and love just as much as your partner does. Your relationship should hold lots of respect and affection ⌠not unfair, unbalanced requests.
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