Spotting abusive people isnât always as easy as television and movies make it seem. Most people want to believe that they would be able to tell an abusive person from the crowd after one conversation. Unfortunately, thatâs not always the case. Abusive people are often hard to spot and can hide in plain sight from the people in society.
According to psychotherapist Amy Lewis Bear, âAbusers can be highly skilled at projecting an attractive image that convinces others they have solid personal values and wouldnât be capable of abuse. An abuserâs thoughtful and caring behavior toward others gives their victims more reason to take the blame.â
After all, theyâre husbands and wives and coworkers and bosses – abusive people fly under the radar more often than not, because they donât want their abusive tendencies to be front and center. Itâs important to know how to spot an abuser before they reveal themselves – or before someone reveals them. Itâs important not only for victims of abuse but for the friends and family of those victims.
Four Hidden Behaviors An Abusive Person Displays Before Revealing Themselves
“Just because a person doesn’t put hands on you doesn’t mean they aren’t abusive. Abuse is control, blatant disrespect, and also hurtful words. Don’t settle for emotional abuse, thinking it’s okay because it’s not physical.” â Tony A. Gaskins Jr
1. Abusers are regular people, but hereâs the catchâŚ
This is important to remember. It isnât so much a hidden behavior as it is a fact above abusive people. Keeping an eye out for abusers needs to be more than just looking for the shifty characters late at night, or the husband/wife with a bad temper. Abusers donât seem like normal people because theyâre good at pretending – itâs because they are normal people, who lead completely normal lives outside of their cycles of abuse.
They may have difficulties like money troubles or substance abuse, but those are traits of non-abusive people as well. Itâs important to remember: abusers are regular people, and knowing that will make it easier to spot an abuser when they start to show themselves. But whatâs the catch? They like playing the blame game.
Author Steven Stosny mentions, âAvoid anyone who blames his negative feelings and bad luck on someone else. Feeling like victims, they see themselves as justified in whatever retaliation they enact and whatever compensation they take. Blamers will certainly cause pain for you if you come to love one.â
2. Abusers donât abuse everyone
A lot of people donât believe the victims of abuse because they have only had perfectly pleasant interactions with the abuser. This is a dangerous trap to fall into, and itâs important to remember that abusers will never abuse everyone. They need to be selective of their victims. That’s because if they abuse everyone they come across, no one will get close enough to them for them to manipulate. Thus they”ll have nobody to control and enact their abuse upon.
The victims of an abuser are usually people that theyâre close to, like a partner or a family member. If someoneâs past partners all have the same story of that person being abusive, itâs a red flag. In fact, itâs more likely that someone is abusive if there are only select people in their life that come forward with stories of abuse.
3. Abusers donât abuse all the time, but when they doâŚ
This is one of the main reasons that many women who are in abusive relationships stay, or get so caught up that itâs hard to leave. Because if an abuser were mistreating their victims 100% of the time, they wouldnât have anyone to control or abuse, because everyone would avoid them. The key trait of an abuser is that theyâre able to get away with it without driving their victims away.
This means that they may start out with small acts of abuse – manipulation or subtle gaslighting – and then build up to a more controlling nature. Or, they may exact outbursts of violence – such as yelling or hitting – and then immediately become nurturing or loving again.
The thing about abusive people is: these acts of abuse are almost never just a one-time thing, but when they abuse, âthey may have elaborate excuses for these incidents or blame the person they attacked by saying they “had to” or that they “were provoked,â states WebMD.
4. Abusers rush into relationships
Without a victim, an abuser has no one to abuse. This may result in the abuser getting into a string of failed relationships, or immediately seeking out another victim when the first one removes themselves from the situation. This is one of the most overlooked hidden behaviors in an abusive person. An abuser cannot abuse without a victim.
When one victim leaves, the abuser will often immediately be in search of another victim – or, theyâll act as sweet and kind as they can to lure their previous victim back to them. The best way to end an abuserâs reign is to remove the victim safely. Once this happens, an abuser will almost always show their hand – after all, they donât like their victims to leave.
Final Thoughts on Coping With Abusive People
Abusers can be all kinds of people from all walks of life. They can be race, gender, religion, sexuality, or social class. Keeping an eye out for the traits that all abusers share will keep victims and potential victims safer if their support system is armed with the correct knowledge to spot an abusive person before they can do any lasting damage.
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