Do your conversations have meaning? Like, real meaning? Or do you just talk for the sake of talking?
The thing is that weâve all done a bit of both to a greater or lesser degree. Weâll have meaningful conversations when the situation calls for it. When it doesnât, weâll talk just to fill the empty air seemingly.
We, Westerners, are masters at filling the vacuity of quiet space. In fact, weâve invented a term for not doing so â âuncomfortable silence.â This is too bad because we can often learn more about someone else â and about ourselves â if we could somehow embrace the silence rather than shun it.
But I digress.
To find meaning in a conversation is not the opposite of âuncomfortable silence,â but the opposite of small talk. Fruitless, empty, rhetorical, way-below-our-intelligence small talk.
Our dialogues canât always be noteworthy, but they can be meaningful.
How?
First, by making an effort to talk about something of consequence to both you and the listener. If it doesnât matter to you â or the other person â why say anything?
Second, by using smart, intellectually engaging words, phrases, and questions. Ah! Yes, thatâs the ticket! But, alas, how to do that?
Repeat the five words after me: âCan I get your advice?â
Rest assured, using these five words will limit the amount of extraneous, face-palm-inducing gobbledygook you hear. If youâre an introvert, this should be music to your âI despise small talkâ ears.
These five words will transform your conversations, make them more meaningful, and enrich your personal and professional life.
Letâs talk about how it does exactly that.
âA Penny for Your Thoughtsâ (Cause thatâs what theyâre worth much of the time.)
âDefinition of advice. 1: recommendation regarding a decision or course of conductâŚâ
Advice | Definition of Advice by Merriam-Webster
What do we think about most of the time? Be honest.
You donât need to be. The science is in â and itâs doesnât have too many kind words about what goes through our mind. Research by Harvard psychologists Matthew Killingsworth and Daniel Gilbert found that our mind wanders âabout 47% of [all] waking hours.â This mind-wandering mode is strong enough to be considered the brain’s default-mode network.
We spend almost half of our lives thinking about something other than what matters now.
Worse: âmind-wandering typically makes [people] unhappy.â And where are they most unhappy? âWhen resting (really?), working or using a home computer.â
Letâs do a bit of deduction.
If we arenât happy with our thoughts most of the time, what makes us think itâs a good idea to ask someone else for theirs?
And even if (and thatâs a BIG if) you get an on-topic response, you risk leaving the conversation open to redirection. Probably to a topic thatâs, well, unhappy.
The conversational substance is what weâre after here â and asking for âthoughtsâ is too vague and risks being misinterpreted or taken advantage of.
Whatâs to stop some blabbermouth from rambling on for five minutes about nothing? You asked for his thoughts. Well, you got them. His thoughts had nothing to do with anything.
Granted, socially conscious and emotionally intelligent people will get the hint and form a well-constructed response, even if itâs not filled with actionable information. But not everyone falls into one or both buckets mentioned above â and therein lies the problem of asking for âthoughts.â
You: âHey, socially inept Bob, can I get your thoughts on this project?â
Socially inept Bob: âRight after I finish up with this email. Speaking of which, did youâŚâ
See where this is headed?
Everyone has thoughts. Not everyone has advice. And even socially inept Bob knows that.
Advice = Wisdom
Professional advice. Expert advice. Honest advice. Good advice.
People equate advice with wisdom, intelligence, structure and function, formality and professionalism, intention, and action.
Hereâs another near-universal human trait: we fear appearing incompetent to others. (Not everyone, as you no doubt have experienced, hence why this is a ânear-universalâ trait.)
Asking for advice is also asking for the others:
- Attention: Delivering quality advice without directing our attention to the conversation is impossible.
- Engagement: Ask someone for advice and notice how they will (sometimes slowly) direct their body toward you â this is engagement.
- Formality: Not in an uptight, snooty kind of way; instead, youâll limit the extraneous noise so often heard in everyday conversation.
- Intellect: Just as advice requires attention and engagement, advice involves intelligence. The former is a byproduct of the latter.
Advice Means That You Value Someone Else
Who do we usually ask advice from? Often, itâs people that we value in one way or another. We value their expertise, their knowledge. So, asking for someone elseâs advice is to call for their best â and they appreciate it.
People feel honored when you ask for their advice. Itâs also a wonderful gift to bestow upon someone. Perhaps someone is feeling down about themselves for some reason.
Put yourself in that situation for a minute.
Imagine that youâre not particularly happy with yourself. Maybe you doubt your competence or ability to perform a particular task. Now, imagine someone coming up to you and asking for your advice.
Bear in mind that they could ask anyone, so why you?
They value who you are and what you may bring to the table. Thatâs a big deal.
And we should try and value others for who they are. This can be a challenge with certain people (you know who Iâm talking about.) Those we have a bit of bad history with, for example.
Still, we can try giving them another chance â and asking for their advice is a powerful way to demonstrate that you still value (or are trying or want to value) the person, despite their faults.
Advice Builds (and Rebuilds) Trust
Hereâs the thing: we donât ask for advice often. We may ask for input, thoughts, ideas, etc., but this isnât the same. Remember, terminology matters here.
This is precisely why asking for advice is a potent trust builder – and rebuilder.
Asking for advice builds trust by generating a âIâm here and at my best!â response in the other person. And really, itâs a sweet thing to do regardless of setting. (Ask the next service person you meet for advice and watch their reaction!)
It will also generate feelings of kinship, which is why asking for advice builds trust. It mainly allows the other person to drop their defensive mechanisms.
This canât happen with a âHey, whatâs up?â or a âCan we chat?â. While such queries may open things up for a dialogue, which can lead to rebuilding trust, thereâs no power in the initial question. It may also very well be ignored or put off.
Asking for advice evokes a sense of âI should respond to thisâ to a greater degree than simply asking to chat or talk. It also, as mentioned, elicits a feeling of self-esteem and worthiness.
Again, asking for advice brings forth a sense of kinship, warmth, and openness in the other person; it also, almost contrarily, brings for a feeling of formality and distinction.
Such qualities are why these five powerful words are superb trust builders.
Advice Develops (and Mends) Relationships
If asking for advice builds and rebuilds trust, it makes sense that it has a similar effect on relationships. For as the saying goes, âRelationships are built on trust.â
While asking for advice can help mend a relationship, itâs probably more potent as a relationship builder. It is so for the reasons discussed earlier. Therefore, asking for advice prompts the evocation of kindship, self-esteem, and appreciation. All of these things are foundational to developing any relationship, personal or professional.
Two areas where this advice about asking for advice (see what I did there?) may be advantageous is in the workplace and with your spouse or partner. In the former setting, asking for advice is seen as an act of both competency and humility. These qualities can go far in a professional environment, especially since theyâre becoming increasingly rare.
As for the latter, is any explanation needed? How intimate is it to ask for your partnerâs advice on something of importance? Pose the question to your lover and find out!
Hereâs to advice and wisdom!
One of the many universal human needs is the need to be respected. Another near-universal need is to appear and demonstrate competence.
Plus, people love to be asked for advice.
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