How easy is it to get tongue-tied when suddenly approached by someone who is completely stressed out? When weâre in this frame of mind (and we all have been!), weâll often spout some pretty aggressive language, or perhaps display our escalated frustrations by forgetting all etiquette relating to body language.
Indeed, it can be very difficult to know what to do and say in these cases. After all, there is no âframeworkâ for how to deal with stressed out peopleâŚand God forbid we say or do the wrong thing and become a newly-acquired target for their stressed-out antics!
When approached by someone in a stressed out frame of mind, it is as important (if not more) to know what not to say. Again, this can be a difficult predicament since all we want to do is help and make them feel better. Logically, weâd think that speaking some âpearls of wisdomâ would make a person feel better.
Which brings us to the topic of this article: what not to say to someone that is about to blow a gasket. Weâll discuss a few techniques for listening and conversing with such a person. Weâll also discuss the TWO words never (ever!) to say to someone when theyâre stressed out.
The thing to remember when you feel stressedâŚ
The people most likely to approach you all stressed out are your friends. Not many of us desire to voice our stressors to some acquaintance or co-worker. With this in mind, it is important to consider that how we respond in this delicate situation can potentially affect the relationship moving forward.
The one thing to remember is this: the stressed person wants to vent and contemplate their feelings with you. Receiving advice is a distant second, in most cases. As such, the practice of active listening is essential.
Active listening is simply listening and conversing with someone in a mutually understandable way. One practices active listening by focusing intently when theyâre speaking and â here is the hard part â not getting distracted by conversational pauses OR thinking about your response beforehand.
Using active listening in this situation is, in essence, a means of prevention â weâre preventing the escalation of an already tense situation. Further, weâre alleviating much of the pressure by not attempting to âfixâ the problem. This is not to say that we wonât help in some way; but any conversational outcome with someone stressed is not the ultimate goal. In fact, it shouldnât be considered a âgoalâ at all. Remember, itâs about them, not you.
In other words, a friend in a crisis doesnât need âcounselingâ when they seek you out. They need a friend whoâs willing to listen.
Framing the conversation
Okay, so we know that our stressed out friend will likely dominate the conversation â at least in the beginning. However, they will, at some point, expect you to interject with your thoughts.
This is when that all-important active listening will pay large dividends. When itâs your turn to speak, you already know the situation (right?) and can somewhat identify with you friendâs feelings (right?). If you canât answer both of these questions with a definitive âYes,â then you must ask the person to reexplain. If this isnât possible because of time constraints, elevated emotions, etc., then offer a time and place where you can focus on them, and them alone.
So here are a few tidbits when itâs your time to talk:
#1: Beware of âWhy?â questions
Asking âWhy?â about how someone is feeling can seem judgmental or condescending. The person may feel like youâre patronizing them, which is the last thing a stressed out person needs.
#2: Ask Open-ended questions
Opened-ended questions are those that cannot be answered by âyesâ or ânoâ. Remember, they are coming to you because they want to explore their feelings. Open-ended questions allow them to do just that.
Open-ended questions accomplish three important things: (1) it shows that youâre actively listening, (2) that you care enough to inquire about their problems, and (3) allows the person to evaluate, rationalize and verbalize their (often complex) feelings.
#3: The TWO words to avoid
âBob, you should be doing/feeling/thinking this/that/the other.â Saying âYou shouldâ when somebody is emotionally vulnerable is not only selfish, it completely invalidates (and attempts to replace) their thoughts and feelings.
Itâs basically saying âHow you feeling/think is wrong, and you should do what I feel/think.â This is the act of a coach or a counselor, which isnât appropriate in this scenario.
In closingâŚ
Put simply: your stressed out friend is seeking you out for support. You saying the âright thing at the right timeâ is really not on their mind; if it is, then itâ an unfair expectation on their part. In fact, itâs a completely different discussion.
Be a friend, listen with attentiveness, be empathetic, be mindful of your wordsâŚand things will be fine. Both for them and for yourself.
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