Most marriage counselors believe in the importance of complete disclosure between partners. We must curb lying from “little white lies” to closeted skeletons. The rationale for full disclosure is relatively straightforward: all cards are on the table, and no secrets in our past life can come back to bite us. Putting everything out there in plain sight is an act of honesty, integrity, courage, and strength. The bottom line, the foundation of a healthy relationship relies on trust.
âSecrecy is the enemy of intimacy. Every healthy relationship is built on a foundation of honesty and trust.â – Dave Willis.
Never Hide These Five Things From Your Partner
Here are some shared secrets you shouldnât hide from your partner:
1. Secrets from your past
There’s a time and place for everything; disclosing your past is an excellent example. This “talk” generally occurs during the early phases of a serious relationship â and certainly before marriage.
Your past may not define you, but it has molded you, and sharing these experiences with your partner helps them understand the person youâve become. Abuse history, alcohol/drug history, family history, and sexual history are examples of past events.
2. Health-related secrets
âThrough sickness and in healthâ is an oft-cited phrase in wedding vows, and for a good reason.
Most people who refrain from divulging health-related information do so with good intentions: they donât want their partner to worry. Or, they believe, âI can handle it myself.â
We often imagine our health problems as a vast relationship barrier, but this is rarely true. If your partner loves and cares about you, they’ll walk by your side with unwavering support.
3. Financial secrets
Statistics show that 40 to 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce â and money problems are the leading causes. Two people with different money values, for example, if one is an impulse buyer and the other is a habitual saver, must reconcile these differences and come to an understanding.
Entering a partnership/marriage should end any “my money, your money” ways of thinking. It is no longer your money or their money but yours.
Financial transparency is crucial to relationship happiness and, quite possibly, relationship sustainability.
4. Relationship Secrets
Relationship experts differ on whether or not to discuss past relationships. Rationally, some guy or gal you dated â and any irrelevant details â neednât be brought up.
Of course, if a âpastâ involving an ex still affects you, your partner should be made aware. Dr. Helen Fisher, the chief scientific advisor to Match.com, states:
âThe brain really does remember (these effects), and it remembers this forever. (Itâs) entirely possible that the brain is built this way so that you can remember why it didnât work so that you can do it better the next time.â
5. Intimacy Secrets
Being in a relationship is a profoundly intimate experience that involves constant communication. Even long-married couples still have trouble sharing their true feelings about things. This is particularly true if one person feels their relational needs go unmet.
Avoiding communication â about emotional needs, goals, and dreams, sexual desires, anything at all â can, and likely will, create mounting problems in your relationship.
How to Reveal Your Secrets to Your Partner
Almost all couples have a least a few secrets theyâve kept from their partner. If you have kept anything from your significant other, itâs likely time to clear the air and get it out. However, thatâs easier said than done, but some tips can help you vocalize the situation.
Step 1: Be Truthful
When you tell your partner about your situation, ensure youâre honest. If you reveal something but youâre not entirely truthful, it wonât help. Donât bend the truth to spare your partnerâs feelings or make yourself look better.
Be straightforward and get the truth out there right now. If you donât, the truth could come out later, destroying whatever trust your partner had for you. Itâs not worth the risk, and bending the truth wonât make you feel better.
Step 2: Determine What You Want the Result to Be
Spend some time thinking about how you want this situation to go. Decide what you want to happen, but prepare yourself for the worst-case scenario just in case. If you know what you want, youâll better understand how you should handle the situation.
However, if you donât know, youâll go into the conversation without a result in mind, potentially hindering the process. You never know your partnerâs response to your secret will be, even if you try to guess, and you may end up with the best or worst-case scenario. Since you never know, prepare for both situations, but keep your desired result in mind.
Additionally, start taking action immediately to get on track for your desires. Itâll show your partner that youâre serious about what you want, increasing the chances that they will react the way you want them to.
Step 3: Choose the Right Time and Place
Timing and location can make a difference when you divulge a secret to your partner. Sometimes waiting to tell bad news or have a difficult discussion is appropriate. Donât divulge a secret during a holiday or special event because theyâll always associate the situation with the day.
Additionally, youâll want to wait until you have your facts straight before beginning the conversation. However, donât wait weeks or months to divulge the information. Wait until you have your partnerâs undivided attention, too.
When it comes to choosing a place, avoid public locations. You never know how your partner will react; no one wants a public scene. Your partner also wonât want to break down or process important information with others staring at them.
Step 4: Plan How You Will Handle It
Describe what you will say or do when telling your partner your secrets. Thinking about how you want the situation to go is essential, but planning for either scenario is also important.
If the secret you must tell your partner involves a life change, come up with some solutions before telling them. Having solutions will lessen the impact of your news, even if itâs still not ideal. If you donât have answers, give your partner a generalized plan about whatâs coming next.
If your secret doesnât involve a life change, it requires little planning. Consider what you will say to your partner, and plan how to respond to their reaction.
Step 5: Practice What You Want to Say
Donât go into the situation without practicing what you want to say first. Rehearse what you plan to say aloud while looking in the mirror or to a trusted friend. Saying it aloud helps you recognize areas that need work or donât sound how you wanted.
Suppose you have a friend who can help, ask them to give feedback on your speech. They can help you get it right, improving your chances of a beneficial conversation with your partner. Additionally, itâll help you become more comfortable sharing your secret.
Step 6: Stay Calm
You donât want to panic when you tell your partner your secret. Take some time to calm down before beginning the conversation. Otherwise, your partner will be worked up, too, and they wonât be as likely to handle it well.
Even if you have the worst-case scenario in mind, take a few deep breaths to help calm down. Your energy will affect how the situation goes. Remember that youâre strong, and everyone makes mistakes.
Step 7: Take Responsibility
When you do something wrong, taking responsibility for it is essential. Own up to the situation and admit when you need to make some changes in your life. When you take responsibility, your partner will take the news much better than if you try to downplay the situation.
Donât minimize your role or act like itâs not a big deal. Additionally, donât blame anyone else or imply that it doesnât have anything to do with your significant other. Taking responsibility shows youâre willing to do the work to grow and learn.
When you take responsibility, make sure you apologize, too. Apologizing is often overlooked but can make a difference in the outcome.
9 Reasons Why Honesty Strengthens Relationships
While everyone keeps secrets sometimes, they can stand in the way of a healthy relationship. Honesty is the best way to strengthen your relationship, so donât hesitate to be forthcoming.
1. Helps Build a Healthy Foundation
Research shows that honesty in a relationship encourages a sense of strength and reliability. Being vulnerable enough to tell the truth, helps build a healthy foundation. Openness also promotes life satisfaction and self-control, increasing your chances of lasting relationships.
2. Encourages Healthy Communication
Anytime you keep a secret, it interferes with communication in your relationship. You will have to overthink before talking to avoid revealing the truth, and causing inorganic conversation. Healthy communication lets you say what comes to mind without filtering it first.
The person withholding the truth might become less receptive and emotionally distant. For the person who doesnât know whatâs going on, it can cause frustration. These feelings cause a disconnect, harming the relationship.
However, if youâre always honest, nothing will hold you back from communicating with your partner. You wonât be worried about saying the wrong thing because you arenât hiding anything from them. Itâll also make it easier to overcome conflict and bring you closer together.
3. Makes You Both Comfortable
Honesty fosters a sense of safety and security, making both partners feel comfortable. Research shows that when youâre both comfortable, it boosts self-love and promotes positive mental health. You wonât waste time worrying about what your partner is up to, and youâll feel confident that they wonât leave.
4. It Promotes Trust
The best way to build trust is by being honest, and research backs this theory. When someone keeps secrets, it causes their partner to become less trustful. It creates an endless cycle that damages the relationship, sometimes beyond repair.
However, honesty and trust encourage people to look for the good in you. If your partner trusts you, theyâll notice the positive things, repeatedly making them fall in love. They will also see that youâre considerate because you believe they deserve the truth.
5. Eases Stress and Anxiety
If you’re holding something back, your partner will likely pick up on it. Theyâll spend their time worrying and wondering what it could be that youâre lying about. Rather than put your partner through the guessing games, you could reveal your secret.
Lying causes stress and anxiety in your partner. Telling them the truth frees them of those feelings, allowing them to feel secure in the relationship.
6. Allows You to Learn
Telling the truth helps you learn how to interact with people. When you make honesty a habit, it reveals what people appreciate knowing. Plus, it teaches you how you should phrase things when the truth isnât positive.
Youâre not the only person who will learn from your honesty. The other people around you will pick up on your habit and feel inspired to be more honest too.
7. Promotes Respect Within the Relationship
Being honest with your partner shows that you respect them, and theyâll likely return the favor. Show courtesy by telling them things without waiting for them to ask directly. Donât hold back; youâll likely have a healthy relationship.
When your partner feels respected, theyâll be more comfortable being themselves. Theyâll show their best qualities and allow you to do the same.
8. Encourages Acceptance
Even if you and your partner have many things in common, youâll still experience disagreements sometimes. Being honest with one another encourages acceptance in your relationship, making it okay to disagree.
Being open about who you are and your thoughts makes it so you never have to pretend. It allows you to have separate opinions without interfering with the integrity of your relationship.
9. Gives a Sense of Freedom
When youâre honest with your partner, it gives you the freedom to be yourself. You wonât have to worry about hiding things and keeping secrets to avoid upsetting your significant other. Plus, youâll be free to know that youâre appreciated and loved for who you are.
Final Thoughts on How Keeping Secrets from Your Partner Hinders Communication
Most experts consider a lack of communication the leading cause of unhappiness and discontent.
The solution to most problems within a relationship is effective communication. âPrevention is the best cure,â and communication â for all intents and purposes â is the key to preventing problems from snowballing during a relationship.
Make time and effort to communicate with your partner, even if the topic is uncomfortable. Keeping open lines of communication throughout a relationship will help preserve intimacy, love, and devotion to each other. On the other hand, maintaining secrets blocks communication lines, destroying trust and faith in each other.