Manipulators are soul-sucking individuals who drain your energy â and threaten your mental health. Manipulative people think about one thing and one thing only: how to benefit themselves. They give little to no thought as to how their behavior affects others.
The act of manipulation is a tool used by predators of society â the narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths among us. Their goal is to establish and strengthen control over their victims. The most common type of manipulation used by such people is psychological/emotional manipulation.
Psychology Today says psychological manipulation involves âthe exercise of undue influence through mental distortion and emotional exploitation, with the intention to seize power, control, benefits and/or privileges at the victimâs expense.â
Using this definition, we will discuss the typical attributes of the manipulator, including how manipulators communicate. Part of this communication includes phrases that manipulators use to victimize. Â Finally, we will suggest practical ways to cope with a manipulative person.
âControllers, abusers, and manipulative people donât question themselves. They donât ask themselves if the problem is them. They always say the problem is someone else.â â Darlene Oulmet
The Psychology of Manipulation
âPsychological manipulation is a type of social influence that aims to change the behavior or perception of others through abusive, deceptive, or underhanded tactics.â â Wikipedia
Tactics used by manipulators are often abusive and exploitative. Regarding the former, manipulators will willingly breach someoneâs personal space and use underhanded aggression (passive-aggressiveness) in an attempt to coax the person into doing something. Manipulators will exploit any number of a personâs personality traits if they believe it will serve them. People who are generally trustworthy and those with a high degree of timidity are often targets of manipulation, for example.
This underhanded aggressiveness and ruthlessness often distinguishes psychological manipulation from social influence. Although it might also involve manipulative underpinnings, social influence is more likely unintentional. Such is never the case with manipulation, which, by definition, requires intent.
George K. Simon, the author of numerous psychology books, cites the following as a basic framework for manipulators:
- Hiding intentions by being affable and charming.
- Understanding the psychological susceptibilities of a potential victim in deciding the methods of deception to use.
- Having a certain degree of ruthlessness with no qualms about hurting the person if necessary.
Manipulative Behaviors and Techniques
After the manipulator has won over their victim, they will use a variety of behaviors and techniques to maintain and strengthen control. The âBig 5â of manipulative control methods include:
- Positive reinforcement: Superficial expression of approval, praise, or sympathy; the giving of attention, gifts, money, etc.
- Negative reinforcement: Stopping an expected negative outcome as a reward.
- Intermittent reinforcement: Occasional positive reinforcement; often used to create confusion and doubt in the victimâs mind.
- One-off traumatic learning: The use of unusually volatile intimidation through explosive anger or verbal abuse that is designed to establish dominance. The victim will may succumb to the manipulatorâs demands out of fear of re-experiencing this event.
- Punishment: Behaviors designed to hurt the victim, including emotional outbursts and verbal defamation. Examples of punishment include playing the victim by crying or guilt-tripping; intimidation, threats, swearing, and silent treatment.
Simon identifies the following tools and techniques commonly used by manipulators:
- Creating confusion: Sewing seeds of doubt to create confusion in the victimâs mind.
- Denial: Non-admittance of an offense clearly committed.
- Evasion: Attempting to throw the victim âoff the trailâ by giving vague and confusing replies.
- Fake anger: Feigned anger employed by the manipulator to get what they want.
- Guilt-tripping: Creating a sense of anxiety and self-doubt in the victim through hurtful actions or remarks.
- Lying: Either through withholding information (lying by omission) or overtly.
- Minimization: Claiming that certain behavior was not mean to be harmful.
- Projecting innocence: Claiming innocence regarding something that was purposely done to the victim.
- Rationalization: Making excuses for improper behavior.
- Selective attention (or inattention): Use of the silent treatment mixed in with occasional attentiveness; designed to establish or strengthen
- Shaming: Inflicting a strong sense of doubt through put-downs and sarcastic remarks.
- Vilification: Accusing the victim of abusive behavior to mask the manipulatorâs aggressive intent.
Phrases Manipulators Use
You can occasionally spot a manipulator by the things that they say. (Be careful that you are not overgeneralizing, however. More on this later.) Manipulators tend to stick with tried and true methods, meaning they will repeat the same behaviors â in this case, the things they say â more than once. On this note, here are 8 phrases that manipulators use often:
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“You donât understand.â
The name of the game for the manipulator is confusion and evasion, as these permit them to continue in their ways. Part of sewing the seed of uncertainty â and keeping it planted â involves deceptive communication. Attempts by the victim to rationalize with the manipulator regarding their poisonous behavior is almost always brushed off with an evasive phrase like âYou donât understand.â
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“Youâre being dramatic.”
Oh, this oneâs too precious! Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. Yes, a manipulator will âcall someone outâ for (not really) being dramatic. Remember that drama is the manipulatorâs bread and butter. That’s because this dramatic event is the source of their power. Manipulators stage arguments, lie, fake cry (yes, they do!), and downright nail the role of a perpetual victim. Make no mistake: itâs probably not you thatâs being dramatic. If you are, thereâs probably a darn good reason.
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“Youâre being paranoid.”
Deception and evasion. Deception and evasion. Repeat. The claims of paranoia by the manipulative are nothing more than avoidance of responsibility. If the liar accuses you of being paranoid, itâs probably because you are right on their tracks. Stay there and donât leave until theyâre out of your life for good!
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“I don’t want to argue.”
Yes, they do. And if they donât, you must interrupt the cheat while brainstorming their next evil plan. (Good for you!) Step back and think about this for a second, okay? Hereâs a person that has done little but create division and set the stage for heated conversation. What reason do they have not to want to argue? Hereâs a reason: they donât care whether you in fact argue. In their mind, they can always successfully throw it back in your face.
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“Youâre too sensitive.”
No, youâre not too sensitive. Well, scratch that. You may be too sensitive in the eyes of a manipulator, given that they have no empathy â at least not for their victims. If they did, they wouldnât be telling you that youâre âtoo sensitive.â When you hear this, do us all a favor and find the heaviest object you can successfully heave across the distance separating you and them. Or better yet, get rid of the scandalous bottom feeder.
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“You’re thinking too much.”
You probably are, but thereâs likely a good reason. Usually, overthinking isnât healthy. However, logical thought can be constructive when trying to decipher someoneâs cryptic messages. As with number 3, âYou are being paranoid,â when this person claims youâre thinking too much, it probably indicates that what you have to say is accurate and that they feel threatened by your conclusions.
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“You always do thisâŚâ
When a manipulator utters these words, one of two things has happened: (1) your âstubbornnessâ got in the way of something they wanted, or (2) they are trying to sow the seeds of self-doubt and guilt. Exaggerations are a tool used when they want to sound like they know better than you. In all likelihood, âYou always do thisâŚâ is their way of saying, âYou are getting in the way of me doing what I want to do.â
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“I didnât say that⌔
In case you donât know by now, manipulators lie â a lot. Indeed, most of the words that come out of their twisted mouths are probably lies. Itâs no surprise, then, that when you catch them in a lie they lie about lying. At a certain point, you must realize that this toxic character is an anchor that needs to be released!
Ten Ways to Deal with Manipulators
âBe grateful even for hardship, setbacks, and bad people. Dealing with such obstacles is an essential part of training in the art of peace.â â Morihei Ueshiba, founder of Aikido (source)
Weâll cut right to it. Manipulators are toxic people that shouldnât be allowed in anyoneâs life. Here are ten pieces of advice for avoiding or getting rid of them.
- Acknowledge and appreciate your self-worth. You are the only person youâll have forever. Think about that.
- Donât feel the need to offer reasons. They donât deserve any.
- If you lack a sense of purpose in life, get one. Nothing turns a manipulator off more than a self-directed, confident person.
- Ignore them. Everything they do and say, ignore it. In fact, donât even acknowledge them.
- Stop rationalizing their behavior. You see what you see â and itâs wrong. End of story.
- Find their weak point â whatever it is â and strike. Using their insecurities to hit back tells them youâre not one to be trifled with.
- Learn how to say no. Manipulators love to ask for âfavors.â Donât give in.
- Remember: loneliness isnât that bad. We all go through periods of isolation, which can be hard. Just remember that such times are the best to work on you.
- Stop caring what others think. This is just a good rule, period.
- Get help. Last but certainly not least, donât be afraid to seek help. If you feel threatened or abused, reach out to someone.