Perfectionism is a hard taskmaster. Itâs a two-headed monster telling you youâre not good enough or causing you to feel like youâre better than everyone else. If thatâs not confusing enough, researchers say there are some positive sides to being a perfectionist. How do you know if youâre a perfectionist? Here are 10 behaviors that can help you decide if perfectionism is ruling your life and how to stop it or encourage it.
What is a perfectionist?
Everybody struggles with wanting to be perfect. Itâs addictive. It can look like wanting a perfect relationship, being a perfect parent, or having the perfect job. This is very normal. Most people know that perfection isnât reachable, but for some individuals, perfectionism drives them to strive for unrealistic goals or unattainable ideals.
The two types of perfectionism
Thereâs been a lot of research on perfectionismâs dark side, but researchers find there may be a bright side to some perfectionist behaviors.
1 – Positive perfectionist behavior
Some healthy aspects studies show, to what is called ânormal perfectionism.â individuals who have high standards without having a negative self-assessment mixed with it are normal perfectionists. These people have high standards but donât worry about making mistakes. If youâre a normal perfectionist, you can adapt even despite your striving for excellence.
2 – Negative perfectionist behavior
Studies show that if youâre a negative perfectionist, youâll have unrealistic goals and extreme standards. Youâll tend to feel itâs imperative to be perfect and may punish yourself if you donât reach what you feel is perfection. Negative perfectionistâs unrealistic goals usually fail, so youâre left feeling anxious, inadequate, and depressed.
10 behaviors of a negative perfectionist
Understanding what motivates you to do what you do is important. If you suspect youâre a negative perfectionist, here are 10 behaviors that you may seek in yourself.
1 – You feel anxiety when you make a mistake
Recent studies found that there is a clear connection between perfectionist behavior and anxiety. If youâre a perfectionist, youâll try to avoid mistakes at all costs. Sometimes youâll miss out on opportunities to learn new things because of this. Errors are huge events for you if youâre a perfectionist. They increase your anxiety about your performance at work, at school, and even at home. Youâll be prone to overthink a failed situation to the point of exhaustion because you canât let it go. You may blame yourself, or youâll look to blame someone else.
2 – Discontentment
When youâre a negative perfectionist, you are constantly frustrated with your life’s imperfections, looks, family, and house. Your standard of measure is quite high. Even if you know that itâs not possible to be perfect in all these aspects of life, youâll still feel discontent. The weird thing is that some perfectionists set these high standards but don’t do the hard work it can take to attain the goals. Itâs a self-defeating way to live.
3 – Critical of others
Perfectionists are often highly critical of others. The standard of measure they use for others is as unattainable as the one they set for themselves. Still, theyâll be very frustrated that others donât reach these standards.
4 – Performance-oriented
If you struggle with perfectionism, youâll fear not being accepted. You try to be perfect for protecting yourself from rejection. Getting other peopleâs approval is very important to you. You may dress, talk, and act like someone you admire because you think youâll be more accepted if youâre like them rather than being yourself. Some perfectionistic adults are very successful but yet struggle with feelings of insecurity about what people think about them.
5 – Body image issues
Striving for perfection can result in body image problems. You may exercise to an extreme or have an eating disorder to stay thin. When you get compliments about how good you look, it feeds your perfectionism. You perceive that thinness and being physically fit the standard of perfection.
6 – Feel like a failure
As a perfectionist, your thinking can become distorted by your own perception of perfection. As a perfectionist, you may feel two simultaneous things: youâre a complete failure or a complete success. You have no middle ground. Itâs an all-or-nothing view of life. Thatâs why you can win accommodation at your job for doing good work but still feel like a failure in your job. Perfectionists always feel like they should have done more.
7 – Overcompensate
If youâre a perfectionist, you may be an overachiever to the extreme. You may overcompensate out of fear of something going wrong. If youâre in leadership, youâll micromanage people checking to see that everything is done perfectly and that all your standards are being met. This is difficult for the people you manage who may feel like you donât trust their ability or judgment on the job.
8 – Defensive when you get feedback
As a perfectionist, you are concerned with what others think about you, so getting constructive feedback is really hard to accept. Even if itâs shared in a good way, it still feels like disapproval. Youâll feel defensive and ready to defend yourself. It makes sense since you have a strong desire to succeed, but it can be counterproductive because the feedback could help you become successful.
9 – Extremely cautious in life
Studies found that most successful people arenât perfectionists. This is because perfectionism gets in the way of your creativity, productivity, and taking risks. When youâre a perfectionist, you fight many fears. Your fear of failure may stifle risk-taking, or fear of being humiliated will stop you from being independent.
10 – Procrastinate
Do you make lots of plans, spread a lot of time trying to get organized, but never getting around to actually doing anything? This is a strange habit of perfectionists who have high goals for themselves and life but feel intimidated to step out and try since they canât do it perfectly. Writers are notorious for brainstorming for a book, setting their plot, characters, and conflict, but then never sitting down and write the book.
Why are you a perfectionist?
Many things can contribute to being a perfectionist. Basically, at the root of all perfectionism is the thinking that your self-worth is based upon your achievements.
These things may influence this thinking:
- Cultural expectations: Certain cultures set high expectations on kids to achieve academically. It can transfer to adulthood.
- Need for control of your life: If you grew up in a chaotic home, you might feel the need as an adult to control your life by being a perfectionist.
- Rigid upbringing: If your parents had rigid rules, you might feel the need to strive for perfection. Good achievement may have equaled love and attention.
- Too much praise for your achievement: Parents can unintentionally make their kids feel like they need to perform to get their love when giving excess praise to their children.
There isnât one single cause of perfectionism. Itâs usually a combination of your upbringing, your personality, and your experiences. So, if youâre wondering why youâre a perfectionist, you may never know. But figuring out that youâre a perfectionist is half the battle. Now, you can start loosening the vise grip that perfectionism has on your life.
How to stop being a perfectionist
1 – Recognize it
When perfectionism raises its ugly head, be ready to see it. Remember that high standards are okay, but donât mix them with your self-assessment. Donât let your high standards stop you from taking risks or accepting constructive criticism that can help you grow.
2 – Donât believe everything you tell yourself
Like everyone else, you have a running conversation going inside your head. Stop listening to the critical things you tell yourself and start telling yourself whatâs true. Tell yourself that your self worth isnât based upon your achievements, your looks, or how intelligent you are. Youâre more than your achievements, and youâre more than your mistakes. Perfectionism wants you to believe that you’re better than everyone else or that youâre worse than everyone else. Donât believe either lie.
3 – It will take time to change, and thatâs okay
Rome wasnât built in a day, as the saying goes, and you wonât change in a day, or a week, or even in a week. Tiny consistent day by day steps towards breaking free of perfectionism is how change happens. Try to ease up on your rigid goals for yourself and others. Be more willing to forgive others’ mistakes. Find joy in small victories, like not feeling like a failure if you make a mistake.
Final thoughts on Realizing You Are a Perfectionist.
Perfectionism is harsh. It dominates your mind and limits your ability to be yourself. Once you realize you have perfectionistic behaviors, you can begin to loosen the tight grip it has on your life. You can enjoy the freedom of not being overly cautious because youâre afraid to make a mistake or feel self-condemned that you didnât reach perfection.
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